I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
