So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize