Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize