Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
