I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
be right there i have to get my cape
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
