True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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