I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
