just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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