why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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