Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
