i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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