Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
And then he peed in my hair
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
