Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
