First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
