Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
