grandma shit on top of the toilet
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
