Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
