So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
