my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
