I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
