listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
