After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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