why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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