"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
