You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize