i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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