apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
