but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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