So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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