i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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