a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Randomize