I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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