hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
