So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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