I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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