I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Also, beer. Big fan.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
