I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
