I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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