Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I wish there were birth control emojis
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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