And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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