she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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