People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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