ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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