some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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