I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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