you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
