He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
