i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Randomize
