god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
There r osticjed everywhere
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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