i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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