my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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