Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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