I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
