Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Sorry about my life...
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
