I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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