The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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