I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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