Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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