Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
